Hurt

Even when the sky comes falling
Even when the sun don't shine
I got faith in you and I
So put your pretty little hand in mine
Even when we're down to the wire baby
Even when it's do or die
We could do it baby, simple and plain
'Cause this love is a sure thing

Remember those days when I felt nothing, and everything seemed too sudden and blurry?

I don’t expect me to be carried away so bad for what was happening.

Those days when I don’t feel like how I used to.

I don’t know if part of me is losing, or I’m losing whole piece of me.

Everything was numb. My heart. My spirit. Lucky that my brain is still functioning on track.

I’ve never expected that I could break this hard.

People told me that being heartbroken is hard.

But they never told me that it will be this hard.

Too hard that I’ve feel like giving up fighting.

***

Fighting is fun. For someone who loves to go against my comfort zone, I used to find it thrilling.

But I’ve never thought that this fight consumed so much of energy, spirit and feelings.

I woke up missing someone who don’t choose me anymore.

I checked my phone waiting for something unreal.

I slept while hoping that this was all a nightmare.

But it wasn’t.

Every day, I woke up still waiting, missing and hoping. For something that’s not coming.

***

I’ve never expected this to happened.

Over these 2 years, we fight a lot. But we ended it right away. One of us would give in. And we will come back in piece.

I thought that this time around, we still work that way.

Unfortunately, not.

***

It’s been 4 months. You were here with me for the past 3 years. Every single days. But, not anymore. I barely survived 3 months without you now. I hope you know that I’m actually hurting. Breaking apart into tiny pieces.

I love you, not LOVED but LOVE. Why would you stop when I’m still hoping for things to get better right now.

But nothing could change us now.

***

I thought that this is temporary. But it doesn’t seem to have an end.

People told me to stop.

Stop trying.

Stop hoping.

But I guess you didn’t.

You told me to do anything that I want. You smirked when I said I want to give up.

“Baru 3 bulan dah give up?”

Are you purposely punishing me right now? May I know for how long? I don’t mind waiting though.

But I guess that you’re indirectly telling me to continue hoping and trying.

So, I did.

***

Over days, over weeks. Things seem to be too stagnant.

I could die pretending to be okay.

Nobody knows that we’re in this condition. People expecting us to be good. So, I told them that we’re good.

Well, it was a good move. They stop asking. They know I’m happy now that everything finally solved. And we’re all good.

While we’re not.

But at least all of them seemed happy.

Even though I’m not. But who cares?

***

Throughout these 4 months, I cried over days.

It was nonsense.

I don’t know why it was too hard for me to move and carry on.

I was too numb that I can no longer feel the pain.

I don’t know how hurt feels, because it has been too long.

I know I’m hurting, but I can’t feel it anymore.

And that’s the worst.

I need something to make feel alive.

To make me realize that I’m still living, hence I should still be able to feel the pains.

I need that.

And I did this. It was stupid. It was nonsense.

But I got what I want.

It hurts.

I still feel the pain of those blunt blades running through my skin.

It feels so good to realize that my pain receptor is still working well, is just that my heart shattered to bad that I can’t feel anything right now.

But the best thing is, I know that I’m still alive.

***

These cuts hurt well. And it makes me realized that I’ve drown too bad in this situation.

If I continue hurting myself this way, I might turn crazy.

I’ll lose myself.

My parents will lose me.

I’m disappointed, I’m sad. The person that I love the most made me do this.

You promised to take care of me, and you did. But when you left: I forget to do it by myself.

I’m sad that my parents started to feel worried on me. They checked on me every day.

Telling me that ‘InshaAllah things will get better soon. Doalah semoga dia dilembutkan hati, korang elok balik’.

But they don’t know I don’t need that ‘korang elok balik nanti’ kinda advice. I just don’t. Because I can feel that we won’t.

***

But it wasn’t your fault though.

It was me.

I took too long to realize that things just don’t work out for us.

And I forget that,

‘Sayang tak semestinya memiliki’

‘Sayang manusia jangan terlalu sayang’

Now,

I’ll start to let go.

I’ll see you as a new person. Someone that I love. But you’re no longer mine. And I should be okay with that.

I will.

I will still,

Hope the best for you.

Wishing you all lucks and happiness.

Admiring your personalities and achievements.

Prays for your well-being.

And that’s it.

I don’t hope for us.

Our love story might come to an end, but my concerns and feelings: will always be the same.

I don’t know for how long.

I’ll let time to heal.

“If we’re really meant to be together, this could only be a temporary distance between us, one day we’ll find our own way back together.

But if you’re really not my destiny, I’m sure that someone who would appreciate you better is still waiting for you, somewhere in this world.”

Semoga selalu dalam perlindungan dan rahmat Allah.

Goodbye, lover. Seems like our love is not a sure thing.